1 sheep, 1 lamb and a fair-weather husband...

 

I am Samantha Moon, Marketing Manager at HeadnClouds, a cloud technology company. In my spare time, I am an anonymous column writer for the Marketing Minds R Us monthly magazine. I am 38 years old and wear  M&S size 14. I have 2.5 children, and the .5 child is my fair-weather husband, Andy Moon. 

 

I guess you could say I am a happy person, and as the saying goes, ‘I dance like no one is watching, I love like I’ve never been hurt, I sing like no one is listening, and I bloody work hard because I have to’.

 

There are two men that I despise in this world, firstly my boss at HnC, Mr Bernard Stoppard, otherwise known as Bernie the womaniser and our Sales Director, Peter Hardstaff, otherwise known as lobster chops due to his rotund physique and red high blood pressure face. Putting the two of them together, Laurel and Hardy come to mind.

 

Now back to me…If I were stranded on a desert island, I would want to have four things with me. My latest read ‘50 Shades of Grey’, a bottle of Champagne, M&S underwear and Colin Firth, who will always be my Mr Darcy. 

 

The closest I got to a desert island was during a ‘getting to know your customers’ corporate sailing day. It was Bernie’s latest campaign, and my challenge was to take Peter lobster chops and seven key customers on a yacht with a gorgeous skipper, an endless supply of booze and an intention to look for new business opportunities.

 

It was blowy in the harbour on the morning of the corporate sailing day, and when we went out to sea heading for the Isle of Wight, we hit force 8. Peter and our seven key customers spent most of the morning lying across the deck, throwing up. Eventually, our skipper took us to the nearest point of land, which was a sandy little cove off Osbourne Bay. It was beautiful and I fantasised about me and my Mr Darcy running naked in the sand. 

 

It wasn’t a successful business trip; however, I enjoyed a glass of Pinot with the gorgeous skipper who offered to sail me off into the sunset, but I had to refuse due to a dentist appointment for my children.

 

One of my many struggles in life is juggling family and work. My life is just like a marketing campaign. Max, Jessica, and my husband provide me with a lot of data, and there is an increasing demand for my production. For example, on Sunday night, Max, my eight-year-old, informed me that he needed a costume for his school's Nativity play dress rehearsal, which was scheduled for Monday morning. 

I asked him what role he was playing, hoping it would be Jesus or a Wise Man due to a surplus supply of bed sheets and tea towels, but of course it was neither. I had the challenging role of creating a sheep costume for Max, and as soon as Jessica had cottoned on to what I was doing, the precocious little madam demanded that I make her a lamb costume too. 

 

For one hour, I used every expletive that I knew, trying to find resources to create one sheep and one lamb. I resorted to cutting up my new cream woolly throw from Laura Ashley and stapling the costume together due to a non-existent sewing kit. 

 

Monday morning, I left for work with one sheep and one lamb clutching their school bags whilst my fair-weather husband, Andy, stayed in bed after informing me that it was due to rain later that day, so there was no point in him getting out of bed. He said he would pick the kids up after school, for which I was supposed to be eternally grateful. 

 

I love Andy, but he has no concept of hard work or any idea or interest in what I do. He thinks ‘brainstorming’ is when a bunch of sales guys get together at the pub after work and get totally out of their heads.

 

What keeps me sane is my writing, and as I mentioned, I write an anonymous column in a magazine that can be found on the coffee tables in the marketing industry. My latest article, entitled ‘B2B or not 2B or is it all BS?’ covered the subject of whether social media, including TikTok, had a place in B2B marketing. I think it does. I’m quite happy to spend half the day making random videos and talking shit. 

 

Anyway, it’s best that you read the article.

 

I leave you with this question. Can sales figures be affected by the menstrual cycle?

 

This will be covered in the next edition of the magazine. In the meantime, if you have any thoughts on this, let me know. 

 

Sending strong woman vibes.

 

Samantha xx