My pompous boss Bernie sent us on a two-day management course. The most amusing module was about negative thoughts and how to improve your relationship with your boss. I nearly wept with laughter when it was suggested that Bernie and I needed some bonding time to improve our working relationship. I feared his idea of bonding would be rather different to mine. ​

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The most informative and entertaining module of the course was called ‘Your Fifty Shades, you need to know yourself before you can really get to know your customer’.

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We were given fifty pieces of paper each and a pen. We had to write 10 good things and 10 bad things about ourselves. 10 achievements, 10 ambitions and 10 of our most embarrassing moments. A rather weird task, but I went along with it with a mischievous attitude.

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Much to my amazement, after we finished writing, the trainer explained that he was going to read out some of what people had written so we could get to know something about each other. I panicked when he started with my pile. I just wanted to dig a hole and bury myself. I hadn’t realised that the trainer was going to read out what I had written; had I known, I wouldn’t have written the things that I foolishly had. I literally wrote the first thing that came into my head - the contents of my head are so stupid sometimes. 

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This is where I will tell you the title of my next article that I am writing for the Marketing Minds Monthly magazine, ‘Is honesty the best policy in the workplace?’.

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The trainer picked one piece of paper from my ‘good things’ pile and read it to the other people in the room… ‘Telling our rotund sales director Peter Hardstaff’s wife that he was having an affair with the cleaner in the office’.

 

I didn't mean to cause trouble, but I was drunk at the Christmas party and I just spoke my mind. I got a verbal warning for it, but thankfully, the wife didn't believe me.  

 

From my ‘bad things’ pile, the trainer chose one that said, ‘Running my key down the side of my boss’s car after he made a pass at me at the Christmas party’.

 

There were a few sniggers from my audience, and I cringed. Bernie raised his eyebrow.

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"Only kidding," I said to the room full of people staring at me. I could feel my face going red.

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I really wish I had taken the task seriously at that point. 

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The trainer looked just as apprehensive as I when he read one from my ‘achievements pile’…

 

‘Tolerating the in-laws’.

 

There was a roar of laughter as I jumped up out of my seat and tried to stop the trainer from reading one from my ‘ambitions pile’, but it was too late. ‘TO SLEEP WITH ROBBIE WILLIAMS’ was written in bold capital letters on the small piece of paper, and he just looked at me and smirked.

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The icing on the cake was when he read one from my most embarrassing pile, ‘Getting caught smoking dope at a PTA meeting’. 

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All I learnt at the Management course was how to manage three bottles of wine on the first night and cocktails and shots on the second. We did lots of drunk networking and got a certificate at the end of the course. 

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I went into the office the next day, and I did feel a deeper connection with Bernie, after all, we had spent two days drinking, laughing and talking shit together. I took the opportunity to ask him for a pay rise.

 

He said no because I had told Peter's wife he was having an affair with the cleaner, I had keyed his car, and I had smoked pot. He also said he would tell Andy that I didn't like his parents and that I wanted to sleep with Robbie Williams if I didn't leave him alone and stop asking for a pay rise.

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Rude!

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Samantha xx

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Written by Rachel Roussell