My pompous boss Bernie sent us on a two-day management course. The most amusing module was about negative thoughts and how to improve your relationship with your boss. I nearly wept with laughter when it was suggested that Bernie and I needed some bonding time to improve our working relationship. I feared his idea of bonding would be rather different to mine. ​

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The most informative and entertaining module of our bonding course was called ‘Your Fifty Shades, you need to know yourself before you can really get to know your customer’.

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We were given fifty pieces of paper each and a pen. I was losing the will to live, and my mischievous side unfortunately got the better of me. We had to write 10 good things and 10 bad things about ourselves. 10 achievements, 10 ambitions and 10 of our most embarrassing moments. A rather weird task, but I went along with it with the wrong attitude.

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Much to my amazement, after we finished writing, the trainer explained that he was going to read out some of what people had written so we could get to know something about each other. Why the hell would he do that? I panicked when he started with my pile. I just wanted to dig a hole and bury myself.

 

I hadn’t realised that the trainer was going to read out what I had written; had I known, I wouldn’t have written the things that I foolishly had. I literally wrote the first thing that came into my head - the contents of my head are so stupid sometimes. Much like when I speak, I didn't think first.

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This is where I will tell you the title of my next article that I am writing for the Marketing Minds Monthly magazine, ‘Is honesty the best policy in the workplace?’. I'm always too honest about everything.

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The trainer picked one piece of paper from my ‘good things’ pile and read it to the other people in the room. My face started to heat up, and I put my head down.

 

"Telling our fat sales director Peter Hardstaff’s wife that he was having an affair with the cleaner in the office". The trainer should have stopped and not finished the sentence, but I don't think he could help himself.

 

Why did I go into that much detail? Why did I admit that? Where is my shame?

 

I reflected on the night it happened. I didn't mean to cause trouble, but I was drunk at the Christmas party and I just spoke my mind. I got a verbal warning for it, but thankfully, the wife didn't believe me at the time.

Again, I don't think before I speak, but he did have an affair with the cleaner. 

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From my ‘bad things’ pile, the trainer chose one that said, ‘Running my key down the side of my boss’s car after he made a pass at me at the Christmas party’. I think the trainer couldn't help himself; he obviously knew what I wrote was going to be something else unbelievable - twisted man. 

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There were a few sniggers from my audience, and I cringed. Bernie raised his eyebrow.

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"Only kidding," I said to the room full of people staring at me. I tried to grab my pile of declarations off the trainer. 

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He held on to them and wasn't going to let them go. He was actually enjoying himself. I really wish I had taken the task seriously at that point. 

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The trainer looked just as apprehensive as I when he read one from my ‘achievements pile’…

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‘Tolerating the in-laws’. He burst into laughter. Surely he wasn't allowed to do that, surely he was going to stop there.

 

There was a roar of laughter and the trainer carried on reading one from my ‘ambitions pile’, 'To have sex with Robbie Williams.' He realised he had gone too far and started to apologise but still didn't stop. What was wrong with this man? 

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The icing on the cake was when he read one from my most embarrassing pile, ‘Getting caught smoking dope at a PTA meeting’. 

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All I learnt at the Management course was how to manage two bottles of wine on the first night and cocktails and shots on the second. We did lots of drunk networking and got a certificate at the end of the course. As you can imagine, Bernie was not happy with me at all, but eventually saw the funny side.

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I went into the office the next day, and I did feel a deeper connection with Bernie, after all, we had spent two days drinking, laughing and talking shit together. I took the opportunity to ask him for a pay rise.

 

He said no because I had told Peter's wife he was having an affair with the cleaner, I had keyed his car, and I had smoked pot. He also said he would tell Andy that I didn't like his parents and that I wanted to sleep with Robbie Williams if I didn't leave him alone and stop asking for a pay rise.

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Rude!

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Samantha xx

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Written by Rachel Roussell

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Chapter 1 - Meet Samantha Moon

Chapter 2 - Marketing and the menstrual cycle.

Chapter 3 - Steve Wright LOL x.

Chapter 4 - 50 shades of Samantha Moon.

Chapter 5 - Who do they think you are?

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